She sat with her legs spread wide and the smell of her own urine revolted her. She lifted her hand from within the toilet seat and held the white stick out and nearly shook it as if it was one of those paper things with perfume sprayed on it. Music played hard from the flat above and she thought of the raves she had been to: the tablets she had taken. The first time she took E was with a friend, David, and they ended up lying in the communal garden of his flat. It was the middle of June.
‘I’m so hot, I’m roasting, are you hot?’
‘A little, yeah.’ He said.
She took off her top and lay on the grass, the blades tickling her lower back. Her bra felt tight, too tight and she took it off. He had seen it all before, it didn’t really matter and she didn’t think once of the neighbours and their windows with blinds not pulled. The music from the club still ringed in her ears and she wriggled in the grass, dancing to her own tune.
‘When my mum died I thought I’d never see her again, but I don’t know,’ she was saying, writhing in the grass, ‘I think she’s sort of everywhere.’
David didn’t answer and she wasn’t sure if she had spoken the words or simply thought them. It didn’t matter. She lay there thinking of her mother, and how she died too soon. She spoke to her in her mind and answered herself in her mother’s voice.
‘Were you afraid, knowing you would die, knowing that you had never believed in anything?’
‘Of course I was,’ the voice not quite right, too much of her own voice mingled with it, she couldn’t get the slight twang of an English accent into it, ‘but I was more afraid of what I was leaving behind, not what would happen next.’ That was better, the ‘next’ had the right upward inflection, the way her mum would always finish a sentence as if asking a question.
‘Have you ever felt like this mum? So connected in a way that doesn’t even make sense.’
‘Only once Sophie, and that was when I found out I would be a mother, when I found out about you.’ The intonation wasn’t right; she wanted to re-phrase her answer.
‘Only once Soph, when I knew I was pregnant, I felt like I was more important than any other person.’ It wasn’t right, she was thinking, her mother would never say that, but it would have to do, there were too many questions she had to have answered.
‘What should I do mum? I feel I have no purpose, no drive anymore!’
‘Don’t be silly Soph,’ that was it, that’s what she would say, ‘you’re only twenty-one, nobody is supposed to know what they want to do at twenty-one.’
‘I know mum, but I just feel so useless, you know.’
‘You could never be useless! Where’s all this coming from, this isn’t you.’
‘I know. I just can’t seem to shake it you know, I’m turning into one of those self pitying twats.’
‘You better not be, remember Aunt Jane and how we would laugh at her, kicking each other under the table. This isn’t you Soph, tomorrow everything will be better, you’ll see.’
‘I miss you so much, you know that right, and you know how much I...’
‘Sophie, stop. You don’t need to tell me and I don’t need to tell you. Now I think we should get off the grass and head inside.’
‘Soph, come on it’s getting fucking cold and your tits are on display, I’m heading in let’s go.’
‘Yes, you complete twat, who else?’
‘Don’t call me that!’ She picked up her bra and t-shirt and headed inside and not long after blinds in windows closed shut.
How long had it been? It seemed like more than two minutes had passed but nothing had appeared, she looked at the two empty spaces on the test and waited. She tried not to think of what she would do if that little blue line appeared, how a future would change through one thin line, or there would be no blue line and no change and she couldn’t think of which outcome was worse.
She looked in the mirror and tried to find her eyes in the reflection, stared at her ears, one with a sharp corner and the other as round as an o. A tiny scar above her left eyebrow always made her look like she had made a mistake plucking the hairs away. Her mouth was wide and she had soft lips and they spoke to her through the glass.
‘You whore. You liked it didn’t you,’ the reflection tied her hair in a tight pony tail, ‘running off finding sympathy when you were the one who wanted it, asked for it.’
She didn’t answer but looked beyond the image of herself and onto the shower in the background. The shower that needed cleaning, the shower that still had blood and dirt trapped at the plughole.
‘Hey sexy!’ His voice was rough and had a twang to it that made her turn around. He was tall and broad and seemed to cast a shadow over her. She was drunk and flirtatious and hadn’t been fucked in weeks.
‘Hey yourself,’ she said with a wink. Not really knowing what that meant but too drunk to really care. Tequila made her flirt.
‘Can I get you a drink?’
He sat next to her and put his hand on the inside of her leg and she let him, and he moved it slowly up and back down, each time getting higher, and she let him, and soon his fingers were inside her and she let him, she let him use three fingers and she let him make it obvious that he was finger fucking her in the middle of a crowded bar.
‘Let’s get out of here?’ he said as he pulled his fingers sharply from inside her.
She walked behind him and she stumbled in her heels and her knickers were wet with what he had done and she felt like thunder or lightning and she watched how he walked, as if each step was important. She guessed his name was Nathan, named after his grandfather who he had never met. She thought he was proud of his name and his footsteps that she followed without question. He worked when he wanted, she thought, he did what he wanted, she thought, I want him inside me, she thought.
He walked on the outskirts of the park but didn’t enter. He stopped and climbed a wall and he reached down and pulled her up and his face never changed. He helped her down from the wall, letting her drop at the last second and he jumped down and pushed her to the grass.
‘Take your underwear off.’
He unbuckled his belt and took his pants off completely and his penis curved at the top and she went to grab it but he pushed her to the grass and turned her over. She saw that he had the most piercing blue eyes she had ever seen and then she was facing the grass. He spat on his dick and then was inside her. It hurt and she tried to tell him to slow down but he pushed her face hard into the grass and she could taste it in her mouth and she could feel him in his stomach. She felt like she was bleeding and she tried not to care. He took himself out and put it in her asshole and he rammed it further and further in and she screamed into the grass and her eyes filled up with something like tears.
Nathan, she was saying, Nathan I like it when your rough! Role play was always her favourite. The kids were at home, she thought, all was well, and they were ten years together. He spread her legs and she could feel everything widening but trying to tighten.
‘I knew you were a whore the moment I saw you!’ and he bit her shoulder hard until he drew blood and he spat in her hair.
She tried to squeeze in and push out. Nathan, she thought, you won’t be getting breakfast in bed tomorrow. She didn’t know she was screaming.
‘Shut up you fucking whore or I’ll make this really hurt.’
He had his best performance on tonight. She thought of them coming there on their first date after meeting in her favourite bar. How they walked arm in arm together and he told her this was his favourite spot in the whole city. She thought of how every time she walked past it she thought of his eyes and delicate smile.
She was crying and she tried to smile at her lover but she couldn’t. His face was rough. He hadn’t shaved in days and she thought she would have to make him before work on Monday morning.
‘I love you Nathan.’ She smiled.
He slapped her across the face and thrust one last time and then pulled out sharply. He put on his pants and buckled his belt on a loose notch and began to walk away.
‘Nathan, where are you going? Nathan!’
‘You’re some crazy bitch!’ He climbed the wall and she saw his head fall behind the wall and she cried and she reached between her legs and there was shit and blood all over them.
She was crying and her reflection was smiling. A wide smile, unlike her own and her hair was tied tight, and she screamed at her.
‘You fucking whore!’
She didn’t look at the test. She didn’t want to, not yet, although it would be ready. It would be the most accurate of fortune tellers. Instead she decided to turn on the shower and let it run. She was still sore and she had a bite mark on her shoulder that she couldn’t stop touching and rubbing and smiling to herself. Bad boy Nathan, she thought. She laughed at herself and turned to the mirror while the shower washed away the mementos. It was fogging up and her face was changing through the fog. Changing into something she thought she could like one day, something others would smile at and say, what a pretty face you have, and she would blush and say thank you, thank you that’s very kind of you. A face a mother would have; a face of experience. I always knew you’d be beautiful, she said, even as a child I knew you’d be beautiful. She smiled a wide smile and the mirror fogged up completely and she slowly placed her finger on the condensation.
She left the bathroom and went to make tea.
‘Anyone want a cup of tea?’ she screamed, no answer.
They must all be out, she thought, and Nathan would surely be back soon so she decided to make two cups, just in case he fancied one when coming in from work. She let the water boil and watched it. She took two cups from the cupboard and left them on the counter. The kettle boiled but there was still a hissing sound and she walked to the bathroom and the shower was on. She tutted and said aloud, damn kids, and she laughed a little chuckle out loud. She went in and on the mirror was written ‘whore’.
He knows, she thought, Nathan knows everything. She rubbed it off quickly and sat on the toilet to think of how best to explain. She looked at the mirror again and there was nothing there. She turned off the shower. She picked up the pregnancy test and saw the blue line stretch out among the white. This will cheer him up she thought, this will make Nathan happy.
She threw it into the bin and rubbed her shoulder.
(Based on this Story Jam)
Fruit from this Jam:
339 by Nemon
Child Design Inc by Nemon
Brendan by Conor O'Sullivan
Pain and Comfort by Aleks
Forever in Love by JuliaTannenbaum
My Wife the Zombie by
Badger Road by ryguy25
False Positive by patrick holloway
Let it Grow by sophierose
Darkest Result of Love by Tim
Love by sausau
Confession by MichaelThompson
The gaze by Ines
Paraselene Love. by Persia-Lili Moharerr
key to life by
Tea by aravio
The crazy friend ship fall out. by
The Desire to Feel by