I’ve killed. I didn’t mean to, it was just an accident, she was so angry with me and why? It was such a pointless argument- I forgot our date- but she flew off the handle. I tried to keep it together, to keep my temper, because she was never normally that irrational; it’s almost as if it was fated.
That makes me feel sick, as though I’m trying to justify what I did. You can’t justify that and while my family, the police and the judge all managed to, I can’t. I wish I was in prison or dead but instead I’m free to live my life as if none of it happened thanks to a good character, no previous misdemeanours and a self-defence plea. Those words stuck in my throat in the courtroom. My lawyer had told me to say it and out of fear I listened to him. I should have lied about what happened, I should I have explained to them that I needed to be punished, that no matter how many times she hit me I should never have pushed her. I was her boyfriend, I was supposed to protect her but as she fell backwards I knew she was going to hit her head and I didn’t try to help her- I just stood there, completely dumbfounded.
I helplessly watched as the girl I loved died at my hand. The paramedics said that at least I tried to stop the bleeding as it was any consolation. I may have tried but I failed and I shouldn’t have failed.
And I seem to be the only one that has a problem with my crime, my failure and my freedom! Her parents came up to me after the trial and told me that they ‘truly didn’t blame me’. If that was the honest truth I would have preferred a lie.
Although I lament the fact that I’m free I do feel as though this is a more fitting punishment for my stupidity: letting me live my whole life with this soul-crushing guilt; seeing her face every time I close my eyes; knowing that the truth saved me from prison but I lie would have sent me where I belong. And to top it all off? I have to live a constant lie, pretending to be happy about being free because otherwise I might offend people.
Yes, this is a much crueller punishment.
(Based on this Story Jam)
Fruit from this Jam:
THIS IS IT FOLKS by Rhoda Taylor
Night Of Passion by lisarey1990
Pot Luck by Alison Young
A Cautionary Tail by Vaulte Kamish
Grenade Fishing in the Andaman by Jeff Burns
Guilt by Abby Buttery
Liberté by Payton Huey
The Perfect Lie by Kevin Cagle